Women Hold the Key
I often hear women talk about there not being any good men, but surely there must be some good men? Recently, I interviewed Stephen—a good-looking 42-year old man who’s never been married, has no children and isn’t gay—to better understand why, in his opinion, the Black family is in the state that it’s in.
Kristin: What’s the deal with the notion that good Black men aren’t out there?
Stephen: There are still some good, decent brothers and it’s worth women’s while to find them. But it seems like women are hung up on images of success. They want a brother who looks like Denzel, drives a Lexus, owns their own house and has deep pockets making six figures, but they could be missing out on a blessing. All that superficial stuff can be gone in the matter of a day, especially in this economy, and if that happens, is he no longer a good man? Success isn’t measured by dollars and cents. It’s almost like that Tyler Perry movie (Madea’s Family Reunion) where Lisa didn’t like the bus driver at first, because he didn’t measure up to her profile, but he was a good man.
Andre (my husband jumped in the conversation): I totally agree. Women seem to flock to the same type of guy—well educated, makes good money, good looking, but there are only so many of these guys. Just like high school, there’s only one varsity captain, and every girl seems to want that one guy.
Kristin: So, with 70% of Black women single and the Black family slowly disintegrating, what’s one solution to turning this situation around?
Stephen: Sisters hold the keys! When women set the standards and don’t compromise, it forces brothers to ‘come correct.’ There are some negotiable and some non-negotiable (values) women should have. If he has three children from three different women, he’s not interested in settling down. If the guy has a spotty criminal record and hangs out with suspicious people, or if he has a spotty employment history and he’s comfortable and complacent, then he should be non-negotiable.
The family can only get better when we start attending to the values that make family strong: faith, God, support, honesty, commitment, supporting one another’s dreams and ambitions, marriage where divorce is non-negotiable and where love is a commitment without compromise. Brothers don’t like to be fussed at, and sisters like to be adored, not ignored.
Kristin: So, how do women lower their standards?
Stephen: Desperation that causes them to shop around with irresponsible brothers; frustration—giving up on Black men; and being insecure with themselves. A brother who wants to be buck wild can pick and choose (whoever he wants) and women allow it, but when you’re experiencing everything, it delays the need to get married. Women should maintain a sense of modesty and that doesn’t mean turtlenecks and skirts down to the ankles. When she maintains (high) standards, her marriage will probably be good because she didn’t compromise who she was just to get a man.
Andre: It seems that some women are more interested in rehabilitating a thug than in settling down with a decent, hard working man. Flashy guys often have serious character flaws that women seem to ignore.
Kristin: Any closing thoughts?
Stephen: I’ve got baggage, as we all do, but I also know who I am. This type of meaningful dialogue need to happen more often—we need a purpose beyond the venting because our families are becoming more diluted everyday.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21.
Will you choose to speak life or death into your situation?
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