Real Talk with Kristin Harper

The Battle of the Flesh - Part 1

2010-05-31T23:27:00.004-04:00

"The Battle of the Flesh" - Part 1

“I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it!” This was the declaration I made at a goal setting workshop only a few short years ago. It seemed like an admirable goal at the time; after all, there were dozens of entrepreneurs in the room, all working hard to accumulate wealth and attain time freedom. However, I now understand that there is only one choice…either we can obey the flesh or the Spirit. If we are in Christ, there is no such thing as doing what we want to do, when we want to do it.

“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law.

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have
forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:16-23, New Living Translation)

It’s a constant battle. It’s difficult to bite my tongue in situations where tensions are flaring and I’m stirring on the inside with something to say. Goodness knows it’s difficult to stay calm when my children seem to work my last nerve. When I pass by my kitchen at home, it’s difficult to resist grabbing a snack, whether I’m hungry or not. I’ll admit, my flesh sometimes wins, but I am slowing learning to submit to the Spirit. There are three practical steps we can take so that the Spirit can win the battle with our flesh - one step will be shared each for the next three series.

Step 1: Arm yourself daily with the Word. No soldier goes to battle without proper attire, and our weapon of choice should be the Word of God. (Ephesians 6:13-17) Clinical research has shown that the first few minutes after you awaken can set the course of your entire day. So I encourage you to make your favorite 5 scriptures among the first messages that are planted in your heart when you start your day – whether they’re on your nightstand, in your bathroom, kitchen or car dashboard. In this way, you will be more equipped to fight the temptation to sin.

I have followed this principle over the past two months as I’ve been focusing on taking steps to be fit and healthy. I created a poster of relevant scriptures to read every morning (shown below). Not only have I has the Spirit given me power to make the right choices in what I eat (at least when I’m tuning in), but I have lost sixteen pounds! The Word, with the Spirit, will make the difference!

Discussion Question: What go-to scriptures help you win the battle of the flesh?

2010-01-03T01:46:00.004-05:00

"*@! Happens...and I can prove it!"

Case #1: After 25 years of corporate employment, Nikki* lost her job; three months later, her husband lost his corporate job as well. Although they lost 80% of their six-figure income, they still tithe 10% of their now reduced income, just as they’ve done for the past twenty years, and every bill has been paid on time, including two mortgages and braces for their son! Why? Because God Happens!

Case #2: Susan’s* husband was jailed and wrongfully accused of stealing and then gambling money from his family member’s joint account. The thought of Michael* losing the job he had worked so hard to earn, going to prison, being without her helpmate and having to maintain a household on her variable sales income threw Susan into a near panic. How in the world would she come up with $10,000 needed for bail to avoid this situation? Susan felt embarrassed and kept Michael’s situation hush hush, but out of the blue, an acquaintance called and she felt compelled to share the situation. That very afternoon, the friend transferred every penny of bail money into Susan’s account to get Michael out of jail. Why? Because God Happens!

Case #3: In the middle of winter, Tiffany’s* tenant forfeited her lease and unexpectedly moved out. To make matters worse, the tenant turned off the water without informing Tiffany, and the freezing temperatures outside caused the pipes to burst. This caused thousands of dollars in damage to her vacant property, money that Tiffany did not have. She felt so hopeless that she considered letting the property go into foreclosure. No sooner than that thought crossed her mind, Tiffany received a referral for a renter who is not only interested in the home, but also recently received an inheritance and is willing to pay $6000 in advance rent payments. Why? Because God Happens!

They say that ‘you know what’ happens, but for believers who are faithful, something else happens…God happens. One of my favorite gospel singers, J. Moss, sings on his latest CD (Just James), “…but you will find that in the knick of time, it worked out because God happens.” The testimonies above are from real people—friends and acquaintances—and they’re proof that God happens. It’s also scripturally sound.

“Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” (Ephesians 3:20-21)

There are three points I’d like to share from the verses above:

1) Ask. Jesus said, “If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.” (John 15:7) Sure, God is omniscient—all knowing—but He wants us to ask for what we want. The same is true as I think about my own children. I know what they need, but when they ask, it demonstrates a level of maturity, responsibility and humility, and I am more likely to not only grant their requests (if it’s the right thing to do) but to also do it with gladness when they ask.

2) God can’t be contained. Abundant on its own already means ‘plentiful’ and ‘rich’ but the scripture says that God is able to exceedingly abundantly. An English teacher would probably give a bad mark for using two redundant adjectives in a row, but this speaks to God’s amazing and miraculous power to do absolutely anything! What we can ask or think is nothing compared to what God can do.

3) Is the “Intel” working inside of you? Many computers advertise the “Intel” inside as the system that gives a computer its power. Similarly, the scripture says that God works according to the power working in us, which is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter, who is with us 24/7. Since He’s so up close and personal, the Holy Spirit, more than anyone, knows our intentions and how we’re really living. Sure, nobody’s perfect, but I’m convinced that none of the stories above would have become such powerful testimonies of God’s grace if the Spirit hadn’t worked through every one of them.

So the next time you get discouraged and feel like giving up, remember these testimonies and shout in advance because “God happens!!!”

***

Discussion Question: Tell us your “God happens” story?

* The testimonies are real; however, the names have been changed.

Activities vs. Results?

2009-12-03T22:16:00.006-05:00

It's been several months since we last shared a "real conversation." While I've missed sharing inspirational messages, life took me on a different path than I had planned on going and I got off course. Our family recently relocated to a new state for a job opportunity at a new company. While it's been a tremendous blessing, it's also taken time to get into a new rhythm. We finally found a church home, and now that I'm plugged into the Word again on a regular basis, the inspiration is starting to flow. I'm glad to be back!

Have you ever thought about what results you have to show for being a Christian? I work at a Fortune 500 company, and as a business leader one of the metrics that's really important is return on investment--also known as ROI--a measure of how much sales you generate for every $1 you spend or invest. With so many choices on how to spend limited dollars, time, and resources, we obviously want to maximize the ROI to generate more sales, profit, and production, and eliminate choices that yield poor returns. The same principle applies to our Christian walk - we need to get the most "bang for our buck" and yield tangible results.

So, what is our job description as a follower of Christ? It's simple: to become disciples and disciple makers. You see, there's a big difference between people who follow Christ and church folk. It's easy for church folk to get caught up in form and fashion, ritual and routine, drama and dance, music and ministries...in essence, activity. The preachers' messages can move us to shouting, dancing, tears and praise that purify our hearts and give honor to God. I can't tell you how many Sundays I've left church feeling encouraged, uplifted, restored or joyful from the ministries I've participated in, or simply just being in the number. Yet, that isn't our job and, to be honest, the benefits don't extend far beyond my pew. As Christians, God gave a simple command in the form of a job description - it's the Great Commission.

"Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen." Matthew 28:19-20

As Christians, we have a specific assignment to complete, and just like any job, there's an expectation that we produce results. So if you had to write an annual performance review, would your Christian resume list results like saving souls, teaching others, or uplifting those who are downtrodden, or would it be filled with activities that only make you feel good? I've realized that I can have a perfect attendance record at church or be involved in countless ministries, and while I feel good doing these things, if they don't lead anyone to Christ or encourage people to have a stronger relationship with Him, I haven't done my job.

In my pursuit of Christ, I want the highest possible return on investment on my investment of dollars, time, energy and resources. Instead of going to church now just to worship and be encouraged, I now learn so I can teach, and teach so people can be saved and save others. It's put a whole new meaning to what so easily becomes a Sunday morning church routine.

This revelation has renewed my commitment to this newsletter because it is a vehicle through which I can be that disciple that God called us all to be. I spend time studying and praying for inspiration so that these messages will draw you closer to God, help strengthen your relationships with others, and enable you, too, to be a disciple and disciple-maker, which is all God really expects us to do. When it's all said and done, I don't want to simply spend my time running on the proverbial treadmill of Christian routines, I want to be a top performer who generates results. Will you join me in this pursuit? Until next time...

Restoring the Black Family - Part 3

2009-04-19T02:45:00.004-04:00

Women Hold the Key

I often hear women talk about there not being any good men, but surely there must be some good men? Recently, I interviewed Stephen—a good-looking 42-year old man who’s never been married, has no children and isn’t gay—to better understand why, in his opinion, the Black family is in the state that it’s in.

Kristin: What’s the deal with the notion that good Black men aren’t out there?

Stephen: There are still some good, decent brothers and it’s worth women’s while to find them. But it seems like women are hung up on images of success. They want a brother who looks like Denzel, drives a Lexus, owns their own house and has deep pockets making six figures, but they could be missing out on a blessing. All that superficial stuff can be gone in the matter of a day, especially in this economy, and if that happens, is he no longer a good man? Success isn’t measured by dollars and cents. It’s almost like that Tyler Perry movie (Madea’s Family Reunion) where Lisa didn’t like the bus driver at first, because he didn’t measure up to her profile, but he was a good man.

Andre (my husband jumped in the conversation): I totally agree. Women seem to flock to the same type of guy—well educated, makes good money, good looking, but there are only so many of these guys. Just like high school, there’s only one varsity captain, and every girl seems to want that one guy.

Kristin: So, with 70% of Black women single and the Black family slowly disintegrating, what’s one solution to turning this situation around?

Stephen: Sisters hold the keys! When women set the standards and don’t compromise, it forces brothers to ‘come correct.’ There are some negotiable and some non-negotiable (values) women should have. If he has three children from three different women, he’s not interested in settling down. If the guy has a spotty criminal record and hangs out with suspicious people, or if he has a spotty employment history and he’s comfortable and complacent, then he should be non-negotiable.

The family can only get better when we start attending to the values that make family strong: faith, God, support, honesty, commitment, supporting one another’s dreams and ambitions, marriage where divorce is non-negotiable and where love is a commitment without compromise. Brothers don’t like to be fussed at, and sisters like to be adored, not ignored.

Kristin: So, how do women lower their standards?

Stephen: Desperation that causes them to shop around with irresponsible brothers; frustration—giving up on Black men; and being insecure with themselves. A brother who wants to be buck wild can pick and choose (whoever he wants) and women allow it, but when you’re experiencing everything, it delays the need to get married. Women should maintain a sense of modesty and that doesn’t mean turtlenecks and skirts down to the ankles. When she maintains (high) standards, her marriage will probably be good because she didn’t compromise who she was just to get a man.

Andre: It seems that some women are more interested in rehabilitating a thug than in settling down with a decent, hard working man. Flashy guys often have serious character flaws that women seem to ignore.

Kristin: Any closing thoughts?

Stephen: I’ve got baggage, as we all do, but I also know who I am. This type of meaningful dialogue need to happen more often—we need a purpose beyond the venting because our families are becoming more diluted everyday.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21.
Will you choose to speak life or death into your situation?

Choose possibility over predictability

2009-03-01T22:54:00.004-05:00

Restoring the Black Family Series – Part 2

My husband and I recently went on a date to see comedian Arnez J (if you ever get a chance to see him, GO!!! He is hilarious!) In between jokes, Arnez sprinkled in a few lessons, one of which was about relationships. He said, "Love yourself that I may love you better." The first article in this series discussed self love as the foundation for all other relationships. Part 2 is focused on women.

This series was inspired by several statistics that totally shocked me, facts that demonstrate the severity of the state of families, especially in the Black community.

· 7 out of 10 Black women are single

· Nearly half of Black women have never been married; in fact, we have the lowest marriage rate of any ethnicity in the U.S.

· 70% of Black children are born to single mothers

Whoa!! This situation is serious, and it’s time we inspire a shift in our thinking and ultimately, our communities. If not, the Black family will continue to dis-integrate, and we will continue to miss out on developing healthy relationships between friends, lovers, ex’s, children, parents and family. These statistics begs the question…how did things get so bad?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’ve compromised my values during my search for love. Never did I think that I would get pregnant out of wedlock; get married only to divorce less than two years later; or wind up in a situation I never imagined—being a single mother. If you’re like me, you didn’t grow up with the intention of making mistakes that cause pain, chaos and dis-ease in our lives. But when we see the same patterns, and keep attracting the same people and situations into our lives over and over again, I wonder if we’re subconsciously inviting drama into our lives?

1) Be present. Yesterday is history—forgive and move on! Tomorrow is a mystery—we don’t know what will happen in the future. So, enjoy living and being in the present. Yesterday’s enemy could very well be today’s friend.

2) Love without expectation. I used to be so obsessed about getting married that I couldn’t fully live in the moment; when I started enjoying the journey, our dating relationship naturally progressed to marriage and our friendship deepened.

3) Treat others as innocent until proven guilty. Is it possible that we’ve squandered relationships with friends, lovers and spouses because we made one person pay for another’s sins, or because we assumed that just because they did it before, they’ll do it again?

4) Acknowledge that there is no perfect mate; after all, we’re not perfect ourselves so we can’t expect perfection from others. Ask yourself: what’s more important—someone who loves and respects me or someone with the “right” career, income or physique? Maybe there would be more marriages in our community if we gave up the quest for perfection.

5) Remember what mama taught you. Usually, when we forget these basic lessons and neglect our core values, we end up disappointed with ourselves and with others. It saddens me to watch Jerry Springer’s infamous paternity test shows where women are clearly sleeping with multiple men at the same time, children have unidentified fathers, and women keep making the same mistakes over and over. Twenty years ago, the term “baby’s daddy” didn’t even exist.

Will you join me in your commitment to reversing these trends and restoring the Black family? Stay tuned for the next article on restoring the Black family from a man’s point of view.

“I choose possibility over predictability. My past does not determine my future because everyday is a new opportunity for new possibilities.”

Are you emotionally bankrupt?

2009-01-20T21:51:00.004-05:00

Restoring the Black Family Series – Part 1:

Are you emotionally bankrupt?

Joys are raised and hopes are high with the inauguration of the first African-American U.S. president. I pray that having a prominent African-American family in the spotlight will serve as a role model and inspiration for countless people who have lost hope in marriage and family.

Our society doesn’t have many examples of strong Black families. Unfortunately, what’s more common today are single parent households, accomplished businesswoman who come home to empty houses, and many brothers who are having their cake and eating it, too, in every flavor, I might add. (Sisters are actually enabling this, but we’ll talk about that another day--smile)

This is the first article in a 4-part series to explore how we—both individually and collectively—can restore the Black family. Before we delve into discussing women, men, children and society, we have to start at the core—with ourselves.

During Christmas dinner, I spent time talking to my 90-year old grandmother. Grandma Marie may be old in age, but she is young in mind and spirit. She was one of eighteen children, and is one of only two who remain alive. So, she’s seen a lot in her day and time. When asked the most important lessons she’s learned over the past nine decades, she quickly responded, “Love. Love is everything.”

According to I Corinthians 13, “we are bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies." (I Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message)

It matters not how much we’ve accomplished, how many possessions we own, how wise or powerful we may be—without love, you are nothing. We could even give away our house and give money to those less fortunate, but if it’s not done with a spirit of love, it is a total waste. That’s why there are so many celebrities who seemingly have everything they may ever want, but their spirit is empty because love is absent. Here’s a secret: we can only show love to others according to how we love ourselves.

When we exude these qualities of love, it enables us to have healthy relationships with ourselves and others, our families and communities. The opposite is also true. If we lack these love qualities, it will lead to broken relationships, torn marriages, parent-child conflict, and sibling rivalry. Beyond our immediate relationships, love is even the foundation of healthy relationships with co-workers, neighbors, church members and in society, the lack of which leads to harsh words and judgments, anger, violence, and yes, even war.

So, the first step in restoring the Black family is to renew our commitment to loving ourselves wholly and completely as outlined in I Corinthians 13, because when we love ourselves, we can freely give that love to others and our emotional bank account will overflow in abundance.

Stay tuned to http://www.kristinharper.com/ for a NEW “love audit” and tips on how to add more love to your relationships!

******

Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, to purchase “Love’s Resurrection,” or to book Kristin for a speaking engagement, visit www.kristinharper.com or email info@kristinharper.com.

Do you have 20/20 vision?

2009-01-05T12:34:00.003-05:00

With the New Year comes a long-time tradition—setting resolutions. We make these promises to ourselves with the best intentions, but if you’re like me, they quickly fade from our memory and rarely come true. Several years ago, I stopped making resolutions and instead started a new ritual that has been much more meaningful and fulfilling: creating a vision board.

A vision board is a collage of goals, dreams, and aspirations, filled with pictures and words that visualize what you desire.Vision boards can include tangible things you want to acquire, emotions you want to feel, things you want to accomplish, characteristics you want to exhibit, words that inspire you, and whatever else you want to envision for your life.

For the past four years I’ve created vision boards. The poster board stays in my office until Christmas break when I review what I envisioned nearly 12 months prior. Amazingly, every single year I’ve created a vision board, nearly everything comes true!

For example, last year, my husband and I put a picture of a convertible Benz on our vision board. We didn’t necessarily plan on buying a luxury car, but after his car was totaled we had to buy another car—an Infiniti! (Thank God, he wasn’t injured in the accident). What’s cool is that he even rented a Mustang convertible during a weekend trip, so our vision came true! It just goes to show that ALL things—even unfortunate incidents or those unexpected detours in our lives—work together for our good (Romans 8:28).

I once heard a gospel singer say it like this: “you’ve got to see it before you see it, or you never will see it!” When we write down our visions—in words or pictures—it drives clarity and focus, and we significantly increase the likelihood of that vision occurring, especially if it is in the will of God.

So, what do you envision for 2009? Will you experience joy, excitement or adventure? Is this the year you will forgive that person who wronged you? Is this your time to write a book, record that CD, join a ministry or attend the self- development seminar? Has the time come to build relationships with new people or rid yourself of toxic situations that don’t serve you and your spirit? Perhaps you want a raise or promotion at your job, or to take a vacation you’ve always dreamed of? Whatever it may be, write it down, put an image to your vision and believe it!

Now is your time to stake claim to your dreams, visions, and goals!

“And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run.” (Habukkuk 2:2; The Message)

***

Real Talk Question of the Week:

What do you envision for 2009?

***

Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, visit KristinHarper.com

4 Tips to Recession-Proof your Marriage (this works if you're single, too!)

2008-12-14T22:20:00.004-05:00

The news is filled with tips to survive the recession, and it’s equally important to recession proof our marriage. After all, money is one of the top reasons for divorce so it’s important for couples to keep their finances—in tact. Here are four tips to recession-proof your
marriage.

1) Pay God first. Out of every dollar we earn, the government takes up to $.35, depending on your tax rate, but God only requires a dime. For all He does for us, that’s quite a deal, don’t’ you agree? However, I discovered that less than 3% of church members tithe, which is a true testament to our level of faith (or lack thereof). Did you know that there’s a guaranteed blessing when you tithe? God actually said "prove me"—by tithing, you will be so blessed that you don’t even have room for all of the blessings. (Malachi 3:10) So, if you’re part of the 97% of people who don’t tithe, go ahead, test God!

2) Practice full financial disclosure. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for spouses to hide money, or secretly accumulate debt. However, hiding anything—including money—from your spouse will prevent a couple from experiencing complete emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. Alternately, "putting all your cards on the table" through the good times and the bad sends a message that you are honest, willing to be vulnerable, and have complete trust of your spouse. If you haven’t been totally upfront about your finances and need to clear the slate, confess, ask for forgiveness, and repent.

3) Assign a purpose to your money. Isn’t there more to our earnings than paying bills and going on occasional shopping sprees? Instead of working just to pay bills, consider developing a goal for your money. What is the purpose of the money you earn, and what will money allow you to do? When you get clear on "why" you’re working so hard to earn money, chances are that you will spend, save and invest your money more wisely. Developing mutual goals as a couple will also give you something to work towards together, further strengthening the marital bond.

4) Create your family’s financial policies. "When you fail to plan, you plan to fail." Creating financial rules to live by—and writing them down—will significantly increase the odds of achieving your financial goals. There are at least three types of policies you and your spouse should create together: 1) spending policy, 2) saving policy, and 3) credit policy. They don’t need to be fancy—it could be one sentence. For example, "We place $100/month into the rainy day fund so that we won’t be caught off guard when unexpected expenses arise." Be sure to write them down—after all, you’re more than twice as likely to accomplish a goal if you write it down.

A Prayer for You: "God, please order our steps so we will be good stewards of the time, talents, gifts and possessions you bless us with. Let nothing--including money--separate us from your love or from each other. Amen."

****************
Real Talk Question of the Week:

What’s the purpose of your money?
****************

Kristin Harper is author of "Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man." For more information, visit www.KristinHarper.com

The Secret to a Peaceful, Conflict-free Life

2008-11-25T11:28:00.002-05:00

It seems so simple, but it just doesn’t seem to register. No matter how many times I gently remind my husband to put the dishes in the dishwasher, inevitably they end up stacked in the sink. When he does remember to place them in the dishwasher, they’re haphazardly placed and typically not rinsed. So, I rearrange the dishes, the bottom of the dishwasher usually gets caked up with food and drink, and since they weren’t rinsed, the dishes are often still dirty, even after the dishwasher has run!

This is but one example of the nuances of marriage that can work a sister’s nerves. (To be fair, there are plenty of things I do that get on my husband’s nerves) While I could get frustrated, pick arguments, or hold it against him, instead I think of how grateful I am to have a husband. After all, I’d rather be married to a great guy and have twice washed dishes than to have a perfect kitchen by myself! Just a few years ago, I prayed that God would send a man who loved me; in fact, I made a list of the qualities I desired in a husband. Here are some of those qualities I listed— no where on the list was putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher!

I desire that God will provide a helpmate, soul mate, friend, confidante, and lover with whom I can spend my life.
I pray for a man who loves God, serves God, obeys God, and makes God first in his life.
I pray that I don’t have to go to a club to find a man! Enough said.
I desire a man who will love my daughter like his own, welcome the blended family, and simply adore me, flaws and all.

Gratefulness is one of the secrets to living a peaceful, conflict-free life. It’s common to express thanks and appreciation during the holidays, but living a life filled with gratitude everyday is even better. This exercise is especially useful when things aren’t going your way. Recently, a family member unexpectedly lost their job. Instead of wallowing in despair, I reminded them that no matter how bad things seemed, they could always be worse. After making a grateful list, they instantly felt better!

So, don’t delay—start your gratitude journey now. You’ll be amazed at how addictive gratefulness can be! First, identify something that’s not working as well as you’d like, then list 5 reasons why you’re grateful (and don’t forget to join the Real Talk™ conversation at www.KristinHarper.com.

"O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: because his mercy endureth for ever." Psalm 118:1

****************

Real Talk Question of the Week:

For what or whom are you grateful?

****************

Kristin Harper is author of "Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man." For more information, visit www.KristinHarper.com

Forgiving ain't easy!

2008-11-17T12:18:00.002-05:00

It often feels easier to hold a grudge than to forgive. Although we may feel that being angry makes the other person suffer, we are the ones who actually suffer when we don’t forgive. In fact, there is a recent medical link between unresolved anger and lack of forgiveness to physical illness.

Over the past few weeks, we’ve learned about a financial crisis that has been brewing for years, and one that could necessitate forgiveness. According to the reports, six out of every 100 mortgages were "high risk"—that is, given to people with less than adequate income or credit. The greed of Wall Street, development of laws by Congress that forced banks to give loans to people who otherwise wouldn’t qualify, and the irresponsibility of consumers who signed up for loans they knew they couldn’t afford has had a negative ripple effect on the world economy. In fact, the mistakes and greed of others will innocent taxpayers $700 Billion, and maybe more.

It’s almost as if the 94% are being penalized for the sins of the 6%. Consumers’ taxes will certainly be affected; the market has taken over a 25% downturn, negatively affecting investors; and the value of home could decline.

It’s difficult to forgive the few who seemingly "messed things up" for the overwhelming majority. However, there was a man who willingly took on the sins of the world, and gave His very life for crimes He didn’t commit. As followers of Christ, our goal is to be like Him in our day to day living, but if you’re like me, you’ll admit that it’s difficult to forgive, let alone willingly pay for the sins of others.

God commands us to forgive others if we expect forgiveness from Him. "You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part." (Matt.6:15, The Message)

*********************

A Prayer for You: "Lord, help me to forgive even when it's hard. I know that I can only be forgiven when I first forgive others."

*********************

Real Talk Question of the Week:

Do you find it more difficult to forgive or forget?

*********************

Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, visit www.KristinHarper.com

Are you “in Love” or just Lost?

2008-09-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

5 common mistakes people make when searching for love

by Kristin Harper

1. Trying to change people. As M.C. Hammer said, "you can’t save the world, and the one man who tried, they crucified." If you’re sweating the small stuff, look at the big picture. Do they love, respect and honor you? Can you trust them? Do they have your best intentions at heart? Since we’re not perfect, we can’t expect perfection from others. Love beyond their flaws.

2. Choosing swagger over character. I Samuel 16:7 says, "man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." Swagger—someone’s image, their job, car, clothes, and body—is temporary and can change. Character, on the other hand, is the core foundation of who someone is inside and is typically consistent ‘for better or for worse.’

3. Confusing lust for love. The English language only has one word for love, but there are 3 words in Greek. After all, you can’t ‘love your car’ in the same way you ‘love your spouse.’ Eros is based on selfish pleasures, and is the genesis of eroticism, pornography and the sex-craved culture that pervades our society. Phileo is brotherly love and conditional in nature. You "phileo" cars as long as they perform, but when the engine breaks down, the "phileo" stops. The highest form of love is Agape, the sacrificial, unconditional and unmerited love of God. Agape expects nothing in return and loves regardless of what you do or say. So, the next time you say, "I love fill in the blank," be clear about which love you really mean.

4. Cheating on God. Have you ever "fallen in love" and put everyone and everything else on the back burner, including God? When we put gods (little g) before God (the big G), we commit Spiritual Infidelity™. "Little g" gods can come in any form—other people, jobs, yourself, possessions, your will and desires. Remember Exodus 20:3: "Though shall have no other gods before me."

5. Using sex as a down payment for love. Yes, I went there—don’t act like it doesn’t happen! So often, sex is a transaction to enable the physical release men’s bodies requires, but many women use sex as a down-payment for something more—marriage, a relationship, money or gifts. If you want eros and the other wants phileo, it only leads to confusion and chaos. Avoid the pain of having different priorities and motives—be clear about what both of you want.

A Prayer for You: "Lord, first I want to thank you for all of my past experiences you have empowered me with for I know it will prepare me for this next step as well as provide a blessing to others...I ask in your name to bless me with the 'right partner at the right time in the right way'! Therefore, I pray that You help me recognize these mistakes, guide me as I learn from them and embark on a new path of love. As always, I trust Your blessing will more than meet my 'wants' but also satisfy my 'needs'. Amen!

Written by Crystal Robinson
*************************************************************************************

Kristin Harper is author of "Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man." For more information, visit www.kristinharper.com.