Are you emotionally bankrupt?

Restoring the Black Family Series – Part 1:

Are you emotionally bankrupt?

Joys are raised and hopes are high with the inauguration of the first African-American U.S. president. I pray that having a prominent African-American family in the spotlight will serve as a role model and inspiration for countless people who have lost hope in marriage and family.

Our society doesn’t have many examples of strong Black families. Unfortunately, what’s more common today are single parent households, accomplished businesswoman who come home to empty houses, and many brothers who are having their cake and eating it, too, in every flavor, I might add. (Sisters are actually enabling this, but we’ll talk about that another day--smile)

This is the first article in a 4-part series to explore how we—both individually and collectively—can restore the Black family. Before we delve into discussing women, men, children and society, we have to start at the core—with ourselves.

During Christmas dinner, I spent time talking to my 90-year old grandmother. Grandma Marie may be old in age, but she is young in mind and spirit. She was one of eighteen children, and is one of only two who remain alive. So, she’s seen a lot in her day and time. When asked the most important lessons she’s learned over the past nine decades, she quickly responded, “Love. Love is everything.”

According to I Corinthians 13, “we are bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies." (I Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message)

It matters not how much we’ve accomplished, how many possessions we own, how wise or powerful we may be—without love, you are nothing. We could even give away our house and give money to those less fortunate, but if it’s not done with a spirit of love, it is a total waste. That’s why there are so many celebrities who seemingly have everything they may ever want, but their spirit is empty because love is absent. Here’s a secret: we can only show love to others according to how we love ourselves.

When we exude these qualities of love, it enables us to have healthy relationships with ourselves and others, our families and communities. The opposite is also true. If we lack these love qualities, it will lead to broken relationships, torn marriages, parent-child conflict, and sibling rivalry. Beyond our immediate relationships, love is even the foundation of healthy relationships with co-workers, neighbors, church members and in society, the lack of which leads to harsh words and judgments, anger, violence, and yes, even war.

So, the first step in restoring the Black family is to renew our commitment to loving ourselves wholly and completely as outlined in I Corinthians 13, because when we love ourselves, we can freely give that love to others and our emotional bank account will overflow in abundance.

Stay tuned to http://www.kristinharper.com/ for a NEW “love audit” and tips on how to add more love to your relationships!

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Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, to purchase “Love’s Resurrection,” or to book Kristin for a speaking engagement, visit www.kristinharper.com or email info@kristinharper.com.

Do you have 20/20 vision?

With the New Year comes a long-time tradition—setting resolutions. We make these promises to ourselves with the best intentions, but if you’re like me, they quickly fade from our memory and rarely come true. Several years ago, I stopped making resolutions and instead started a new ritual that has been much more meaningful and fulfilling: creating a vision board.

A vision board is a collage of goals, dreams, and aspirations, filled with pictures and words that visualize what you desire.Vision boards can include tangible things you want to acquire, emotions you want to feel, things you want to accomplish, characteristics you want to exhibit, words that inspire you, and whatever else you want to envision for your life.

For the past four years I’ve created vision boards. The poster board stays in my office until Christmas break when I review what I envisioned nearly 12 months prior. Amazingly, every single year I’ve created a vision board, nearly everything comes true!

For example, last year, my husband and I put a picture of a convertible Benz on our vision board. We didn’t necessarily plan on buying a luxury car, but after his car was totaled we had to buy another car—an Infiniti! (Thank God, he wasn’t injured in the accident). What’s cool is that he even rented a Mustang convertible during a weekend trip, so our vision came true! It just goes to show that ALL things—even unfortunate incidents or those unexpected detours in our lives—work together for our good (Romans 8:28).

I once heard a gospel singer say it like this: “you’ve got to see it before you see it, or you never will see it!” When we write down our visions—in words or pictures—it drives clarity and focus, and we significantly increase the likelihood of that vision occurring, especially if it is in the will of God.

So, what do you envision for 2009? Will you experience joy, excitement or adventure? Is this the year you will forgive that person who wronged you? Is this your time to write a book, record that CD, join a ministry or attend the self- development seminar? Has the time come to build relationships with new people or rid yourself of toxic situations that don’t serve you and your spirit? Perhaps you want a raise or promotion at your job, or to take a vacation you’ve always dreamed of? Whatever it may be, write it down, put an image to your vision and believe it!

Now is your time to stake claim to your dreams, visions, and goals!

“And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run.” (Habukkuk 2:2; The Message)

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Real Talk Question of the Week:

What do you envision for 2009?

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Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, visit KristinHarper.com

4 Tips to Recession-Proof your Marriage (this works if you're single, too!)

The news is filled with tips to survive the recession, and it’s equally important to recession proof our marriage. After all, money is one of the top reasons for divorce so it’s important for couples to keep their finances—in tact. Here are four tips to recession-proof your
marriage.

1) Pay God first. Out of every dollar we earn, the government takes up to $.35, depending on your tax rate, but God only requires a dime. For all He does for us, that’s quite a deal, don’t’ you agree? However, I discovered that less than 3% of church members tithe, which is a true testament to our level of faith (or lack thereof). Did you know that there’s a guaranteed blessing when you tithe? God actually said "prove me"—by tithing, you will be so blessed that you don’t even have room for all of the blessings. (Malachi 3:10) So, if you’re part of the 97% of people who don’t tithe, go ahead, test God!

2) Practice full financial disclosure. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for spouses to hide money, or secretly accumulate debt. However, hiding anything—including money—from your spouse will prevent a couple from experiencing complete emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. Alternately, "putting all your cards on the table" through the good times and the bad sends a message that you are honest, willing to be vulnerable, and have complete trust of your spouse. If you haven’t been totally upfront about your finances and need to clear the slate, confess, ask for forgiveness, and repent.

3) Assign a purpose to your money. Isn’t there more to our earnings than paying bills and going on occasional shopping sprees? Instead of working just to pay bills, consider developing a goal for your money. What is the purpose of the money you earn, and what will money allow you to do? When you get clear on "why" you’re working so hard to earn money, chances are that you will spend, save and invest your money more wisely. Developing mutual goals as a couple will also give you something to work towards together, further strengthening the marital bond.

4) Create your family’s financial policies. "When you fail to plan, you plan to fail." Creating financial rules to live by—and writing them down—will significantly increase the odds of achieving your financial goals. There are at least three types of policies you and your spouse should create together: 1) spending policy, 2) saving policy, and 3) credit policy. They don’t need to be fancy—it could be one sentence. For example, "We place $100/month into the rainy day fund so that we won’t be caught off guard when unexpected expenses arise." Be sure to write them down—after all, you’re more than twice as likely to accomplish a goal if you write it down.

A Prayer for You: "God, please order our steps so we will be good stewards of the time, talents, gifts and possessions you bless us with. Let nothing--including money--separate us from your love or from each other. Amen."

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Real Talk Question of the Week:

What’s the purpose of your money?
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Kristin Harper is author of "Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man." For more information, visit www.KristinHarper.com

The Secret to a Peaceful, Conflict-free Life

It seems so simple, but it just doesn’t seem to register. No matter how many times I gently remind my husband to put the dishes in the dishwasher, inevitably they end up stacked in the sink. When he does remember to place them in the dishwasher, they’re haphazardly placed and typically not rinsed. So, I rearrange the dishes, the bottom of the dishwasher usually gets caked up with food and drink, and since they weren’t rinsed, the dishes are often still dirty, even after the dishwasher has run!

This is but one example of the nuances of marriage that can work a sister’s nerves. (To be fair, there are plenty of things I do that get on my husband’s nerves) While I could get frustrated, pick arguments, or hold it against him, instead I think of how grateful I am to have a husband. After all, I’d rather be married to a great guy and have twice washed dishes than to have a perfect kitchen by myself! Just a few years ago, I prayed that God would send a man who loved me; in fact, I made a list of the qualities I desired in a husband. Here are some of those qualities I listed— no where on the list was putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher!

• I desire that God will provide a helpmate, soul mate, friend, confidante, and lover with whom I can spend my life.
• I pray for a man who loves God, serves God, obeys God, and makes God first in his life.
• I pray that I don’t have to go to a club to find a man! Enough said.
• I desire a man who will love my daughter like his own, welcome the blended family, and simply adore me, flaws and all.

Gratefulness is one of the secrets to living a peaceful, conflict-free life. It’s common to express thanks and appreciation during the holidays, but living a life filled with gratitude everyday is even better. This exercise is especially useful when things aren’t going your way. Recently, a family member unexpectedly lost their job. Instead of wallowing in despair, I reminded them that no matter how bad things seemed, they could always be worse. After making a grateful list, they instantly felt better!

So, don’t delay—start your gratitude journey now. You’ll be amazed at how addictive gratefulness can be! First, identify something that’s not working as well as you’d like, then list 5 reasons why you’re grateful (and don’t forget to join the Real Talk™ conversation at www.KristinHarper.com.

"O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: because his mercy endureth for ever." Psalm 118:1

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Real Talk Question of the Week:

For what or whom are you grateful?

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Kristin Harper is author of "Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man." For more information, visit www.KristinHarper.com

Forgiving ain't easy!

It often feels easier to hold a grudge than to forgive. Although we may feel that being angry makes the other person suffer, we are the ones who actually suffer when we don’t forgive. In fact, there is a recent medical link between unresolved anger and lack of forgiveness to physical illness.

Over the past few weeks, we’ve learned about a financial crisis that has been brewing for years, and one that could necessitate forgiveness. According to the reports, six out of every 100 mortgages were "high risk"—that is, given to people with less than adequate income or credit. The greed of Wall Street, development of laws by Congress that forced banks to give loans to people who otherwise wouldn’t qualify, and the irresponsibility of consumers who signed up for loans they knew they couldn’t afford has had a negative ripple effect on the world economy. In fact, the mistakes and greed of others will innocent taxpayers $700 Billion, and maybe more.

It’s almost as if the 94% are being penalized for the sins of the 6%. Consumers’ taxes will certainly be affected; the market has taken over a 25% downturn, negatively affecting investors; and the value of home could decline.

It’s difficult to forgive the few who seemingly "messed things up" for the overwhelming majority. However, there was a man who willingly took on the sins of the world, and gave His very life for crimes He didn’t commit. As followers of Christ, our goal is to be like Him in our day to day living, but if you’re like me, you’ll admit that it’s difficult to forgive, let alone willingly pay for the sins of others.

God commands us to forgive others if we expect forgiveness from Him. "You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part." (Matt.6:15, The Message)

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A Prayer for You: "Lord, help me to forgive even when it's hard. I know that I can only be forgiven when I first forgive others."

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Real Talk Question of the Week:

Do you find it more difficult to forgive or forget?

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Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, visit www.KristinHarper.com

Are you “in Love” or just Lost?

5 common mistakes people make when searching for love

by Kristin Harper

1. Trying to change people. As M.C. Hammer said, "you can’t save the world, and the one man who tried, they crucified." If you’re sweating the small stuff, look at the big picture. Do they love, respect and honor you? Can you trust them? Do they have your best intentions at heart? Since we’re not perfect, we can’t expect perfection from others. Love beyond their flaws.

2. Choosing swagger over character. I Samuel 16:7 says, "man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." Swagger—someone’s image, their job, car, clothes, and body—is temporary and can change. Character, on the other hand, is the core foundation of who someone is inside and is typically consistent ‘for better or for worse.’

3. Confusing lust for love. The English language only has one word for love, but there are 3 words in Greek. After all, you can’t ‘love your car’ in the same way you ‘love your spouse.’ Eros is based on selfish pleasures, and is the genesis of eroticism, pornography and the sex-craved culture that pervades our society. Phileo is brotherly love and conditional in nature. You "phileo" cars as long as they perform, but when the engine breaks down, the "phileo" stops. The highest form of love is Agape, the sacrificial, unconditional and unmerited love of God. Agape expects nothing in return and loves regardless of what you do or say. So, the next time you say, "I love fill in the blank," be clear about which love you really mean.

4. Cheating on God. Have you ever "fallen in love" and put everyone and everything else on the back burner, including God? When we put gods (little g) before God (the big G), we commit Spiritual Infidelity™. "Little g" gods can come in any form—other people, jobs, yourself, possessions, your will and desires. Remember Exodus 20:3: "Though shall have no other gods before me."

5. Using sex as a down payment for love. Yes, I went there—don’t act like it doesn’t happen! So often, sex is a transaction to enable the physical release men’s bodies requires, but many women use sex as a down-payment for something more—marriage, a relationship, money or gifts. If you want eros and the other wants phileo, it only leads to confusion and chaos. Avoid the pain of having different priorities and motives—be clear about what both of you want.

A Prayer for You: "Lord, first I want to thank you for all of my past experiences you have empowered me with for I know it will prepare me for this next step as well as provide a blessing to others...I ask in your name to bless me with the 'right partner at the right time in the right way'! Therefore, I pray that You help me recognize these mistakes, guide me as I learn from them and embark on a new path of love. As always, I trust Your blessing will more than meet my 'wants' but also satisfy my 'needs'. Amen!

Written by Crystal Robinson
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Kristin Harper is author of "Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man." For more information, visit www.kristinharper.com.