Activities vs. Results?

It's been several months since we last shared a "real conversation." While I've missed sharing inspirational messages, life took me on a different path than I had planned on going and I got off course. Our family recently relocated to a new state for a job opportunity at a new company. While it's been a tremendous blessing, it's also taken time to get into a new rhythm. We finally found a church home, and now that I'm plugged into the Word again on a regular basis, the inspiration is starting to flow. I'm glad to be back!

Have you ever thought about what results you have to show for being a Christian? I work at a Fortune 500 company, and as a business leader one of the metrics that's really important is return on investment--also known as ROI--a measure of how much sales you generate for every $1 you spend or invest. With so many choices on how to spend limited dollars, time, and resources, we obviously want to maximize the ROI to generate more sales, profit, and production, and eliminate choices that yield poor returns. The same principle applies to our Christian walk - we need to get the most "bang for our buck" and yield tangible results.

So, what is our job description as a follower of Christ? It's simple: to become disciples and disciple makers. You see, there's a big difference between people who follow Christ and church folk. It's easy for church folk to get caught up in form and fashion, ritual and routine, drama and dance, music and ministries...in essence, activity. The preachers' messages can move us to shouting, dancing, tears and praise that purify our hearts and give honor to God. I can't tell you how many Sundays I've left church feeling encouraged, uplifted, restored or joyful from the ministries I've participated in, or simply just being in the number. Yet, that isn't our job and, to be honest, the benefits don't extend far beyond my pew. As Christians, God gave a simple command in the form of a job description - it's the Great Commission.

"Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen." Matthew 28:19-20

As Christians, we have a specific assignment to complete, and just like any job, there's an expectation that we produce results. So if you had to write an annual performance review, would your Christian resume list results like saving souls, teaching others, or uplifting those who are downtrodden, or would it be filled with activities that only make you feel good? I've realized that I can have a perfect attendance record at church or be involved in countless ministries, and while I feel good doing these things, if they don't lead anyone to Christ or encourage people to have a stronger relationship with Him, I haven't done my job.

In my pursuit of Christ, I want the highest possible return on investment on my investment of dollars, time, energy and resources. Instead of going to church now just to worship and be encouraged, I now learn so I can teach, and teach so people can be saved and save others. It's put a whole new meaning to what so easily becomes a Sunday morning church routine.

This revelation has renewed my commitment to this newsletter because it is a vehicle through which I can be that disciple that God called us all to be. I spend time studying and praying for inspiration so that these messages will draw you closer to God, help strengthen your relationships with others, and enable you, too, to be a disciple and disciple-maker, which is all God really expects us to do. When it's all said and done, I don't want to simply spend my time running on the proverbial treadmill of Christian routines, I want to be a top performer who generates results. Will you join me in this pursuit? Until next time...

Restoring the Black Family - Part 3

Women Hold the Key

I often hear women talk about there not being any good men, but surely there must be some good men? Recently, I interviewed Stephen—a good-looking 42-year old man who’s never been married, has no children and isn’t gay—to better understand why, in his opinion, the Black family is in the state that it’s in.

Kristin: What’s the deal with the notion that good Black men aren’t out there?

Stephen: There are still some good, decent brothers and it’s worth women’s while to find them. But it seems like women are hung up on images of success. They want a brother who looks like Denzel, drives a Lexus, owns their own house and has deep pockets making six figures, but they could be missing out on a blessing. All that superficial stuff can be gone in the matter of a day, especially in this economy, and if that happens, is he no longer a good man? Success isn’t measured by dollars and cents. It’s almost like that Tyler Perry movie (Madea’s Family Reunion) where Lisa didn’t like the bus driver at first, because he didn’t measure up to her profile, but he was a good man.

Andre (my husband jumped in the conversation): I totally agree. Women seem to flock to the same type of guy—well educated, makes good money, good looking, but there are only so many of these guys. Just like high school, there’s only one varsity captain, and every girl seems to want that one guy.

Kristin: So, with 70% of Black women single and the Black family slowly disintegrating, what’s one solution to turning this situation around?

Stephen: Sisters hold the keys! When women set the standards and don’t compromise, it forces brothers to ‘come correct.’ There are some negotiable and some non-negotiable (values) women should have. If he has three children from three different women, he’s not interested in settling down. If the guy has a spotty criminal record and hangs out with suspicious people, or if he has a spotty employment history and he’s comfortable and complacent, then he should be non-negotiable.

The family can only get better when we start attending to the values that make family strong: faith, God, support, honesty, commitment, supporting one another’s dreams and ambitions, marriage where divorce is non-negotiable and where love is a commitment without compromise. Brothers don’t like to be fussed at, and sisters like to be adored, not ignored.

Kristin: So, how do women lower their standards?

Stephen: Desperation that causes them to shop around with irresponsible brothers; frustration—giving up on Black men; and being insecure with themselves. A brother who wants to be buck wild can pick and choose (whoever he wants) and women allow it, but when you’re experiencing everything, it delays the need to get married. Women should maintain a sense of modesty and that doesn’t mean turtlenecks and skirts down to the ankles. When she maintains (high) standards, her marriage will probably be good because she didn’t compromise who she was just to get a man.

Andre: It seems that some women are more interested in rehabilitating a thug than in settling down with a decent, hard working man. Flashy guys often have serious character flaws that women seem to ignore.

Kristin: Any closing thoughts?

Stephen: I’ve got baggage, as we all do, but I also know who I am. This type of meaningful dialogue need to happen more often—we need a purpose beyond the venting because our families are becoming more diluted everyday.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21.
Will you choose to speak life or death into your situation?

Choose possibility over predictability

Restoring the Black Family Series – Part 2

My husband and I recently went on a date to see comedian Arnez J (if you ever get a chance to see him, GO!!! He is hilarious!) In between jokes, Arnez sprinkled in a few lessons, one of which was about relationships. He said, "Love yourself that I may love you better." The first article in this series discussed self love as the foundation for all other relationships. Part 2 is focused on women.

This series was inspired by several statistics that totally shocked me, facts that demonstrate the severity of the state of families, especially in the Black community.

· 7 out of 10 Black women are single

· Nearly half of Black women have never been married; in fact, we have the lowest marriage rate of any ethnicity in the U.S.

· 70% of Black children are born to single mothers

Whoa!! This situation is serious, and it’s time we inspire a shift in our thinking and ultimately, our communities. If not, the Black family will continue to dis-integrate, and we will continue to miss out on developing healthy relationships between friends, lovers, ex’s, children, parents and family. These statistics begs the question…how did things get so bad?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’ve compromised my values during my search for love. Never did I think that I would get pregnant out of wedlock; get married only to divorce less than two years later; or wind up in a situation I never imagined—being a single mother. If you’re like me, you didn’t grow up with the intention of making mistakes that cause pain, chaos and dis-ease in our lives. But when we see the same patterns, and keep attracting the same people and situations into our lives over and over again, I wonder if we’re subconsciously inviting drama into our lives?

1) Be present. Yesterday is history—forgive and move on! Tomorrow is a mystery—we don’t know what will happen in the future. So, enjoy living and being in the present. Yesterday’s enemy could very well be today’s friend.

2) Love without expectation. I used to be so obsessed about getting married that I couldn’t fully live in the moment; when I started enjoying the journey, our dating relationship naturally progressed to marriage and our friendship deepened.

3) Treat others as innocent until proven guilty. Is it possible that we’ve squandered relationships with friends, lovers and spouses because we made one person pay for another’s sins, or because we assumed that just because they did it before, they’ll do it again?

4) Acknowledge that there is no perfect mate; after all, we’re not perfect ourselves so we can’t expect perfection from others. Ask yourself: what’s more important—someone who loves and respects me or someone with the “right” career, income or physique? Maybe there would be more marriages in our community if we gave up the quest for perfection.

5) Remember what mama taught you. Usually, when we forget these basic lessons and neglect our core values, we end up disappointed with ourselves and with others. It saddens me to watch Jerry Springer’s infamous paternity test shows where women are clearly sleeping with multiple men at the same time, children have unidentified fathers, and women keep making the same mistakes over and over. Twenty years ago, the term “baby’s daddy” didn’t even exist.

Will you join me in your commitment to reversing these trends and restoring the Black family? Stay tuned for the next article on restoring the Black family from a man’s point of view.

“I choose possibility over predictability. My past does not determine my future because everyday is a new opportunity for new possibilities.”

Are you emotionally bankrupt?

Restoring the Black Family Series – Part 1:

Are you emotionally bankrupt?

Joys are raised and hopes are high with the inauguration of the first African-American U.S. president. I pray that having a prominent African-American family in the spotlight will serve as a role model and inspiration for countless people who have lost hope in marriage and family.

Our society doesn’t have many examples of strong Black families. Unfortunately, what’s more common today are single parent households, accomplished businesswoman who come home to empty houses, and many brothers who are having their cake and eating it, too, in every flavor, I might add. (Sisters are actually enabling this, but we’ll talk about that another day--smile)

This is the first article in a 4-part series to explore how we—both individually and collectively—can restore the Black family. Before we delve into discussing women, men, children and society, we have to start at the core—with ourselves.

During Christmas dinner, I spent time talking to my 90-year old grandmother. Grandma Marie may be old in age, but she is young in mind and spirit. She was one of eighteen children, and is one of only two who remain alive. So, she’s seen a lot in her day and time. When asked the most important lessons she’s learned over the past nine decades, she quickly responded, “Love. Love is everything.”

According to I Corinthians 13, “we are bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies." (I Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message)

It matters not how much we’ve accomplished, how many possessions we own, how wise or powerful we may be—without love, you are nothing. We could even give away our house and give money to those less fortunate, but if it’s not done with a spirit of love, it is a total waste. That’s why there are so many celebrities who seemingly have everything they may ever want, but their spirit is empty because love is absent. Here’s a secret: we can only show love to others according to how we love ourselves.

When we exude these qualities of love, it enables us to have healthy relationships with ourselves and others, our families and communities. The opposite is also true. If we lack these love qualities, it will lead to broken relationships, torn marriages, parent-child conflict, and sibling rivalry. Beyond our immediate relationships, love is even the foundation of healthy relationships with co-workers, neighbors, church members and in society, the lack of which leads to harsh words and judgments, anger, violence, and yes, even war.

So, the first step in restoring the Black family is to renew our commitment to loving ourselves wholly and completely as outlined in I Corinthians 13, because when we love ourselves, we can freely give that love to others and our emotional bank account will overflow in abundance.

Stay tuned to http://www.kristinharper.com/ for a NEW “love audit” and tips on how to add more love to your relationships!

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Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, to purchase “Love’s Resurrection,” or to book Kristin for a speaking engagement, visit www.kristinharper.com or email info@kristinharper.com.

Do you have 20/20 vision?

With the New Year comes a long-time tradition—setting resolutions. We make these promises to ourselves with the best intentions, but if you’re like me, they quickly fade from our memory and rarely come true. Several years ago, I stopped making resolutions and instead started a new ritual that has been much more meaningful and fulfilling: creating a vision board.

A vision board is a collage of goals, dreams, and aspirations, filled with pictures and words that visualize what you desire.Vision boards can include tangible things you want to acquire, emotions you want to feel, things you want to accomplish, characteristics you want to exhibit, words that inspire you, and whatever else you want to envision for your life.

For the past four years I’ve created vision boards. The poster board stays in my office until Christmas break when I review what I envisioned nearly 12 months prior. Amazingly, every single year I’ve created a vision board, nearly everything comes true!

For example, last year, my husband and I put a picture of a convertible Benz on our vision board. We didn’t necessarily plan on buying a luxury car, but after his car was totaled we had to buy another car—an Infiniti! (Thank God, he wasn’t injured in the accident). What’s cool is that he even rented a Mustang convertible during a weekend trip, so our vision came true! It just goes to show that ALL things—even unfortunate incidents or those unexpected detours in our lives—work together for our good (Romans 8:28).

I once heard a gospel singer say it like this: “you’ve got to see it before you see it, or you never will see it!” When we write down our visions—in words or pictures—it drives clarity and focus, and we significantly increase the likelihood of that vision occurring, especially if it is in the will of God.

So, what do you envision for 2009? Will you experience joy, excitement or adventure? Is this the year you will forgive that person who wronged you? Is this your time to write a book, record that CD, join a ministry or attend the self- development seminar? Has the time come to build relationships with new people or rid yourself of toxic situations that don’t serve you and your spirit? Perhaps you want a raise or promotion at your job, or to take a vacation you’ve always dreamed of? Whatever it may be, write it down, put an image to your vision and believe it!

Now is your time to stake claim to your dreams, visions, and goals!

“And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run.” (Habukkuk 2:2; The Message)

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Real Talk Question of the Week:

What do you envision for 2009?

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Kristin Harper is author of “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” For more information, visit KristinHarper.com