Choose possibility over predictability

Restoring the Black Family Series – Part 2

My husband and I recently went on a date to see comedian Arnez J (if you ever get a chance to see him, GO!!! He is hilarious!) In between jokes, Arnez sprinkled in a few lessons, one of which was about relationships. He said, "Love yourself that I may love you better." The first article in this series discussed self love as the foundation for all other relationships. Part 2 is focused on women.

This series was inspired by several statistics that totally shocked me, facts that demonstrate the severity of the state of families, especially in the Black community.

· 7 out of 10 Black women are single

· Nearly half of Black women have never been married; in fact, we have the lowest marriage rate of any ethnicity in the U.S.

· 70% of Black children are born to single mothers

Whoa!! This situation is serious, and it’s time we inspire a shift in our thinking and ultimately, our communities. If not, the Black family will continue to dis-integrate, and we will continue to miss out on developing healthy relationships between friends, lovers, ex’s, children, parents and family. These statistics begs the question…how did things get so bad?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’ve compromised my values during my search for love. Never did I think that I would get pregnant out of wedlock; get married only to divorce less than two years later; or wind up in a situation I never imagined—being a single mother. If you’re like me, you didn’t grow up with the intention of making mistakes that cause pain, chaos and dis-ease in our lives. But when we see the same patterns, and keep attracting the same people and situations into our lives over and over again, I wonder if we’re subconsciously inviting drama into our lives?

1) Be present. Yesterday is history—forgive and move on! Tomorrow is a mystery—we don’t know what will happen in the future. So, enjoy living and being in the present. Yesterday’s enemy could very well be today’s friend.

2) Love without expectation. I used to be so obsessed about getting married that I couldn’t fully live in the moment; when I started enjoying the journey, our dating relationship naturally progressed to marriage and our friendship deepened.

3) Treat others as innocent until proven guilty. Is it possible that we’ve squandered relationships with friends, lovers and spouses because we made one person pay for another’s sins, or because we assumed that just because they did it before, they’ll do it again?

4) Acknowledge that there is no perfect mate; after all, we’re not perfect ourselves so we can’t expect perfection from others. Ask yourself: what’s more important—someone who loves and respects me or someone with the “right” career, income or physique? Maybe there would be more marriages in our community if we gave up the quest for perfection.

5) Remember what mama taught you. Usually, when we forget these basic lessons and neglect our core values, we end up disappointed with ourselves and with others. It saddens me to watch Jerry Springer’s infamous paternity test shows where women are clearly sleeping with multiple men at the same time, children have unidentified fathers, and women keep making the same mistakes over and over. Twenty years ago, the term “baby’s daddy” didn’t even exist.

Will you join me in your commitment to reversing these trends and restoring the Black family? Stay tuned for the next article on restoring the Black family from a man’s point of view.

“I choose possibility over predictability. My past does not determine my future because everyday is a new opportunity for new possibilities.”